I've written a lot about things I've done but not as much about what's going on with me. Like the nitty gritty emotions, thoughts and feelings. You know- the ooey gooey stuff. For some reason it's been harder for me to shape words around my inner thoughts. Discussions while camping and recent sermons have really hit on the importance of exposing ourselves. Relationships aren't fed by only surface level conversations. This is where my inner turmoil comes in. Surface level is so easy. Especially when I'm not 100% comfortable with people. It's the place that I can have a level of control over what people think about me. I'm terrific at conforming to gain acceptance, and I'm really good at hiding the garbage. This is not the me I want to be.
Why is it not ok to let others know when I'm hurting? lonely? struggling? afraid? Maybe it's pride. Maybe it's fear or control. Most likely it's a combination. Nonetheless I have an opportunity to change. To allow vulnerability and be exposed. I find it strange that a strength of mine is welcoming and encouraging others to open up with me. There's no judgement or condemnation. In fact, I feel honored that they trust me. So why is it so hard for me to do the same?
It's funny that being in a new place without knowing anyone makes you self reflect more than normal. Constantly putting myself out there and wondering if people are getting my sense of humor (ok, lets be honest, my sense of humor can be a stretch!) or wondering if they think I'm strange. I long to live in the past, carry over my reputation from years of letting people know the real me.
And here I am building a reputation again. exposing. vulnerable and yet excited. Excited to see what the future has to bring. Excited to be challenged and forced to lean more on God than myself. Excited to meet new people that will encourage me and hold me accountable. Excited to live.
For today, this is all I've got.
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